Nonviolent Communications

Metadata

• Author: Marshall B. Rosenberg
• Link: https://amzn.to/4bS4Ua7

Review

TBD

Takeaways

• 4 parts: observations, feelings, needs, requests

• we block compassion when we analyze others, don't take responsibility for our own actions, and communicate desires as demands

• distinguish btw observations and evaluations (eg. why don't you care about me vs i feel ignored when i don't get a reply for over an hour because i worried whether you were okay)

• on feelings

  • distinguish btw feelings and thoughts (eg. i feel that you don't care about me vs when you rescheduled our dinner, i felt hurt because i wanted to go out with you)
    • when saying "I feel", do not use words like that, like if, pronouns like I, you, or pronouns
  • distinguish btw feelings and statements (eg. I'm not good enough vs I feel dissapointed because I did not perform today)
  • distinguish btw feelings and how we think others are behaving (eg. i feel attacked vs i feel discouraged when you only point out my faults because i've been working hard on doing things right)

• take responsibility of feelings vs blaming outside (eg. you dissapoint me vs i was dissapointed)

  • watch out for:
    • impersonal pronouns like it and that
    • I feel because
    • statements that only focus on actions of others
  • instead, say I feel because I need ...

• make concrete request with feelings and needs and follow with empathy if it is denied

  • ask listener to reflect feelings, thoughts, or an action from request

• when receiving with empathy

  • beware of explaining or correcting
  • listen only for observations, feelings, needs, and requests, regardless of what else is being said
  • paraphrase observations, feelings, needs, and request to probe deeper
  • don't respond directly to charged statment but express own feelings and needs to request more information
  • look for tension being released or words having stopped
  • if we can't receive with empahty, it could be because we are too starved of it ourselves
  • we can receive with empathy on no, silence, and dead conversations
  • do not use I statements when emphasizing with others (you're angry because I said no vs you're angry because you wanted a different outcome)

• when judging others or ourselves, it is because of unmet need in ourselves

  • explore feelings in judgement (vs thoughts and statements)

• self compassion, hold both the self that regrests a past action and the self that did the action

  • make choice that contribute to life rather than guilt, shame, duty, or obligation
  • translate negative messages into feelings and needs
    • "when a, I feel B, because I am needing c"

• for anger, replace I am angry because they... with I am angry because I am needing...

  • if the other side hears blame, they have failed to hear our feelings

• when mediating, make sure both sides express needs, that they are understood, and that conflict resolution is offered with positive action language (eg. "would you be willing to...")

• to express appreciation, This is what you did; this is what I feel; this is the need of mine that was met

Notes

1. Giving from the heart

• 4 components:
  • observations
  • feelings
  • needs
  • request

2. Communication That Blocks Compassion

• when we analyze shortcomings of others, we are expressing our needs (eg. they are aloof -> we want connecting)
• when we don't take responsibility for our actions, we don't acknowledge our choice (eg. i have to do X vs i'm doing X because I want Y)
• when we communicate desires as demands, this does not allow compassion

3. Observing Without Evaluating

• do not mix observations and evaluations, otherwise people will hear criticism
• distinguish feelings and thought (eg. i feel that you should know better vs when you did X, i felt surprised because i wanted to rely on you)

4. Identifying and Expressing Feelings

• express vulnerability when communicating

• distinguish your feelings from thoughts

  • you are using thoughts when you say "feel" followed by:
    • words such as that, like, if
      • eg:
        • "I feel that you are not listening to me"
        • "I feel like this is not getting through to you"
    • pronouns like I, you, etc
      • eg:
        • "I feel you are not listening"
        • "I feel I'm barelying keeping it together"
    • names or nouns of people

• distinguish feelings from statements

  1. Description of what we think we are: "I feel inadequate as a guitar player."
  2. Expressions of actual feelings: "I feel disappointed in myself as a guitar player."

• distinguish btw feelings and how we think others are react or behave toward us

  • eg. "I feel unimportant/misunderstood/attacked" vs "I feel discouraged when you say I'm not trying because I have been putting two hours a day into getting better"
  • examples of statements:
    • abandoned
    • abused
    • attacked
    • misunderstood
    • patronized
    • provoked
    • taken for granted
    • unappreciated
    • unheard
    • unseen
    • unsupported
    • unwanted

5. Taking Responsibility for Our Feelings

• when we get netative feelings we have 4 responses

  • blame ourselves
  • blame others
  • sense our own feelings
  • sense the others feelings

• diff between taking responsibility vs attributing blame outside

  • violent: “You disappointed me by not coming over last evening.”
  • nvc: “I was disappointed when you didn’t come over, because I wanted to talk over some things that were bothering me.”

• speech patterns to mask responsibility

  1. Use of impersonal pronouns such as it and that:
     • eg: "It makes me so mad when we talk about the same things and get nowhere"
  2. The use of the expression "I feel (an emotion) because .. " followed by a person or personal pronoun other than I:
     • eg: "I feel hurt because you are not listening to me"
  3. Statements that mention only the actions of others:
     • eg: "When you react strongly to me talking about my feelings, I feel sad"

• speech patterns that take responsibility -> I feel... because I need #star

  • eg: "I feel despair when we talk over one another because I want us to both feel listened to (even if it doesn't result in agreement) vs blocking each other out"
  • eg: "I feel sad when we can't talk about money because I want everyone to be taken care of"

• masking resposnsibility = invoke guilt, expressing need or hurt is giving from the heart

6. Requesting That Which Would Enrich Life

• make concrete requests
  • eg. "i want you to be free to express yourself" vs "i want you to point out a thing i could improve at at the end of this meeting"
• request sound like demands if they don't come with feelings and needs
• ask listener to reflect back with their feelings, thoughts, or an action to ascertain they've heard
• a request is a demand if it is followed by criticism if it is denied
• it becomes a request if it is followed by empathy

7. Receiving Empathically

• 2 parts of NVC: express honestly, receive empathically

• behaviors that prevent empathy

  • Advising: “I think you should … ” “How come you didn’t …
  • One-upping: “That’s nothing; wait’ll you hear what happened to
  • Educating: “This could turn into a very positive experience for you if you
  • Consoling: “It wasn’t your fault; you did the best you could.”
  • Story-telling: “That reminds me of the time … ”
  • Shutting down: “Cheer up. Don’t feel so bad.”
  • Sympathizing: “Oh, you poor thing … ”
  • Interrogating: “When did this begin?”
  • Explaining: “I would have called but … ”
  • Correcting: “That’s not how it happened.”

• regardless of what other party is saying, we listen for observations, feelings, needs, and requests

• eg.

  • hustband: whats the point of talking?
  • wife: are you feeling unhappy with me?
    • bad because we want to put attention on them and decrease the chance you take it personally
  • wife: are you feeling unhappy because you feel like i dont understand you?
    • bad: focus on thought not need
  • Are you feeling unhappy because you are needing to be heard?
    • good: gets to a need

• use paraphrasing to understand, focus on

  1. what others are observing:
     • eg: "Are you reacting to how many evenings I was gone last week?"
  2. how others are feeling and the needs generating their feelings:
     • eg: "Are you feeling hurt because you would have liked more appreciation of your efforts than you received?"
  3. what others are requesting:
     • eg: "Are you wanting me to tell you my reasons for saying what I did?"

• when other side says something emotionally charged, avoid responding directly

  • if asking for information, first express our own feelings and needs
    • eg:
      • Them: Your actions are unaccetable!
      • Us: What did I do? (bad)
      • Us “I’m frustrated because I’d like to be clearer about what you are referring to. Would you be willing to tell me what I’ve done that leads you to see me in this way?” (good)
  • reflect messages that are emotionally charged (with paraphrasing)

• we know speaker has received empathy when the tension releases or if they stop talking

• if we are unable or unwilling to emphasize despite speaking, we're usually too starved of empathy to offer it

8. The Power of Empathy

• “When … someone really hears you without passing judgment on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold you, it feels damn good!"
• The more we emphasize, the safer we feel
• don't say "but", instead emphasize with what other has said
• hardest to emphasize with those closest to us

• emphasizing with a "no" helps us from taking it personally

  • eg.
    • “I sense that you are angry,” I said. “Is that so?”
    • “No,” she replied, “it’s just that I don’t want to be corrected every time I open my mouth.”

• to interupt a dead conversation, interrupt with empathy

  • eg: Thus, if an aunt is repeating the story about how twenty years ago her husband deserted her and her two small children, we might interrupt by saying, “So, Auntie, it sounds like you are still feeling hurt, wishing you’d been treated more fairly.”

• emphasize with silence by listening for the feelings behind it One time when I was working with the staff of a business organization, I was talking about something deeply emotional and began to cry. When I looked up, I received a response from the organization's director that was not easy for me to receive: silence. He turned his face from me with what I interpreted to be an expression of disgust. Fortunately, I remembered to put my attention on what might be going on within him, and said, "I'm sensing from your response to my crying that you're feeling disgusted, and you'd prefer to have someone more in control of his feel- ings consulting with your staff."

  If he had answered yes, I would have been able to accept that we had different values around expressing emotions, without somehow thinking that I was wrong for having expressed my emotions as I did. But instead of "yes," the director replied, "No, not at all. I was just thinking of how my wife wishes I could cry." He went on to reveal that his wife, who was divorcing him, had been complaining that living with him was like living with a rock.

9. Connecting Compassionately With Ourselves

• judgement of others is unmet need in ourselves
• feelings should involve emotions, not thoughts, judgements, etc
• evaluate ourselves for what we need and do it with compassion, not feel guilt/shame
• self judgement is also arises from unmet needs
  • eg. "we think we are a bad child/spouse" - the need is that we want understanding from our parent/spouse
• in mourning, connect with unmt needs and regrets, but in a way that helps with learning instead of blame and hate
• self compassion
  • hold both the self that regrets the past action and the self that took the self action
  • make choices with desire to contribute to life rather than fear, guilt, shame, duty or obligation
• translate "have to" to "choose to"
• do not speak language that denies choice (we should/have to/ough to)

10. Expressing Anger Fully

• distinguish stimulus and cause: we are never angry of a direct action from someone else
  • people that use guilt to make others feel like their actions directly caused the pain = manipulation#star
• 4 ways to react to violence, anger comes from taking it on other person

• instead, choose to analyze own feelings and needs or that of the other

• replace "I am angry because they..." with "I am angry because I am needing..."

• anger is a wake up call to our own needs
• judgement of others is self fufilling prophesy
• 4 steps to expressing anger
  1. breathe
  2. identify thoughts/judgements that are causing anger
  3. connect with our unmet needs behind thoughts/judgements
  4. speak not the thoughts/judgements but our needs and need connected feelings
     • eg: “When you entered the room and started talking to the others and didn’t say anything to me, and then made the comment about white people, I felt really sick to my stomach, and got so scared; it triggered off all kinds of needs on my part to be treated equally. I’d like you to tell me how you feel when I tell you this.” (vs you're a racist)

• for anyone to hear us, we must first emphasize with them

• if other side hear blame or think they've done something wrong, they have failed to hear our pain

11. Conflict Resolution and Mediation

• create environment of mutual concern and respect where each party thinks their own needs matter and they are conscious that their needs and the other person's well-being are interdependent

• 4 steps

  1. express our needs
  2. search for real needs of other person, regardless of how they are expressing it
  3. verify we both accurately recognize other persons needs
  4. provide as much empathy as required to hear each other
  5. propose conflict resolution strategies in positive action language

• real needs can be masked by silence, denial, judgement, and gestures

• express request as something positive, ideally *something that can be recorded on a video camera *
  • eg. I like you to listen when I talk to you vs I like you to look at me when I'm talking to me
• present language requests like "would you be willing to..."
  • eg: I'd like you to show up to dinner Saturday night vs would you be willing to tell me how you feel about going to dinner with me saturday night
• a no comes from an unmet need that is keeping them from saying a yes
• when one party is in too much pain, employ emergency first aid empathy

13. Liberating Ourselves and Counseling Others

• use the template When a, I feel b, because I am needing c. Therefore I now would like d
  • eg: “I should do something with my life. I’m wasting my education and talents”
  • eg2: “When I spend as much time at home with the children as I do without practicing my profession, I feel depressed and discouraged because I am needing the fulfillment I once had in my profession. Therefore, I now would like to find part-time work in my profession.”
• we need to hear our own needs and ephasize with them
• translate negative internal messages into feelinds and needs
  • eg: "I'm a terrible parent" vs "When I don't get to provide for my kids, I feel sad because I am needing the fufillment I get from taking care of them. Therefore, I will find more ways to be there for them"
• when emphasizing with others, do not use "I" statements
  • eg: "You're frustrated because I am a certain way" vs "You're frustrated because you wanted something different from me"

14. Expressing Appreciation in Nonviolent Communication

• both positive and negative communication can be alienating
• use the tempalte This is what you did; this is what I feel; this is the need of mine that was met
  • eg: “Marshall, when you said these two things (showing me her notes), I felt very hopeful and relieved, because I’ve been searching for a way to make a connection with my son, and these gave me the direction I was looking for.”
• spend more time appreciating what others did right vs whats wrong

Examples

Practicing giving from the heart

this shows trying to listen with empahty without explaining or defending

• MBR: Are you angry because you would like my government to use its resources differently? (I didn’t know whether my guess was correct—what was critical was my sincere effort to connect with his feeling and need.)
• Man: Damn right I’m angry! You think we need tear gas? We need sewers, not your tear gas! We need housing! We need to have our own country!
• MBR: So you’re furious and would appreciate some support in improving your living conditions and gaining political independence?
• Man: Do you know what it’s like to live here for twenty-seven years the way I have with my family—children and all? Have you got the faintest idea what that’s been like for us?
• MBR: Sounds like you’re feeling very desperate and you’re wondering whether I or anybody else can really understand what it’s like to be living under these conditions. Am I hearing you right?
• Man: You want to understand? Tell me, do you have children? Do they go to school? Do they have playgrounds? My son is sick! He plays in open sewage! His classroom has no books! Have you seen a school that has no books?

Observing without giving criticism

• MBR: (guessing at the observations being made) Are you reacting to my having taken thirty straight minutes to present my views before giving you a chance to talk?
• Phil: No, you make it sound so simple.
• MBR: (trying to obtain further clarification) Are you reacting to my not having said anything about how the process can be difficult for some people to apply?
• Phil: No, not some people--you!
• MBR: So you're reacting to my not having said that the process can be difficult for me at times?
• Phil: That's right.
• MBR: Are you feeling annoyed because you would have liked some sign from me that indicated that I have some problems with the process myself?
• Phil: (after a moment's pause) That's right.
• MBR: (feeling more relaxed now that I am in touch
• with the person's feeling and need, I direct my
• attention to what he might be requesting of me)
• Would you like me to admit right now that
• this process can be a struggle for me to apply?

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Created 2024-07-20T02:48:18.586000 · Edit