On Wanting
What do you want? Do you know? Can you say it? Each question is a sieve - to reach the end is to find yourself in rarefied company.
Most of us do not know what we truly want. If we do, we do not express it - not to others, and sometimes not even to ourselves. Because if we did - we would need to do something about it.
When we are born - we know what we want. It is one of the few things we can do during a time when most functions are denied to us. We want food. We want to be held. We want to be loved.
If we don't get what we want, then we will make our feelings known. Crying. Yelling. Biting. Our whole body will object at the indignity of a world not being in congruence with our needs.
As we grow up, what we know gets warped. We are told that what we want is wrong. That our dreams are childish. That our needs come after those of others.
When we become adults, many of us no longer know what we want. What we once wanted has been buried so deep that it is no longer accessible. Like a ball at the bottom of a deep well. Like a dream upon waking.
We become actors that have followed the script for so long that we have become the mask we wear. When asked what we want - its the mask that answers. What we had wanted has been numbed. With work. Substances. Responsibilities of family.
Maybe some of us still remember what we want. Maybe some of us are even able to say it. But we're too scared to do so.
Because it would be an admission that our lives are not what we want. Because it would hurt those close to us. Because it would mean starting over. Because it would change everything.
And yet, we want what we want And in speaking it, we wake
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Created 2025-10-12T23:27:43.684000 · Edit